I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
