i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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