his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
