My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
