We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
