considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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