people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
