i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
it's like heaven, but drunker
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
