I'm jealous of your bromance
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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