You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize