also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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