it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I need to sanitize my soul.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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