I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
