He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
