hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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