I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
