Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
