If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
