if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
