when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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