before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Randomize
