remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
