I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
