What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
