Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I could fuck to npr.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize