you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
