my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
