I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
