Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
