I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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