Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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