Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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