Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
