The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
