I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hippo gnu deer
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
