The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
