I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
