There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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