new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
