I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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