This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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