so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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