I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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