soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
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