I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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