Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
