bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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