Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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