in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
