I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Enjoy the penises
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
