I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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