I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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