God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
