the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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