Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
