cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
