Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
