I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize