I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
