that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
